My Stupendously Superficial Seven Standard

   The reason I switched over to a more narrative style - as opposed to my standard mini-essays - is that my life yields far more random and interesting episodes than I thought possible.  And very few mini-essays can capture the spirit of the conversations I find myself in.

  Case in point: my Fraternity brothers.

  My singledom has taken up a lot of blogspace lately, and you can just imagine the extent to which my brothers have had to endure listening to my rantings and ravings about how I can't find a girlfriend, what I need to fix in my life, etc.......actually, you can't.

  We're ten years removed from our undergrad days, my particular generation of Phidelts, and now most of us form the majority of the advisory board that assists the undergrads (known as the "actives", short for "active members") with their recruitment, programming, finances, and so on.  I'm the most recent addition, and so a few nights ago, they called a meeting at Michael's house.

  Thursday

  I set out from Burlington and head down the highway, arriving at Michael's house an hour early.  By some mysterious cosmic coincidence, the Toronto Maple Leafs are due to play the New York Rangers when I show up, so I'm looking forward to a solid hour of hockey before the meeting. 

  Of course, I make sure that doesn't happen. Not completely.

  "So, I was talking with Alice today about the rating system," I say to Mike.

  Mike looks up.  "Rating system?"

***

Flashback to Earlier That Day

The following is a poorly reconstructed transcript of a chat with Alice on BlackBerry Messenger:

Me: I still get awkward around girls, especially if they are an 8 and above.

Alice: An 8?

Me: Yeah, 8/10. Some of the guys are trying to get me used to the rating system we used for women. You know, 8/10, 4/10.  We just call them '8's for short.  When I was in the long term with the Big X, I never used it, but now that I'm single, I'm being educated.

Alice: Ah yes. I am aware of this system....So, how would you rate me?

Me: Umm......

(remainder of transcript cut off by the sheer torque of Alice's unintentional man trap)

***

  Flashforward: Thursday Night, Mike's House

 "She said that my system needs some calibration for it to be accurate," says I to Mike as we watch the game.

  "Why?" he asks. "What were your ratings like?"

  "Well, Milla Jovovich would have been a 9, but she lost out on the age and the lack of boobs, so she got a 7. Gillian Anderson was like a 6. She's got the red hair, the blue eyes, the boobs, and the geeky scientist thing going from The X Files, but now she's pushing 40. I gave Uma Thurman a 4 because she's not really pretty in the face without a metric tonne of concealer. Emma Stone, on the other hand, would have rated an 9, but she loses two points for looking like a minor. Maybe in three years?"

   Michael blinks.  "You gave Milla Jovovich a 7?"

   "Uh, yeah."

   Now staring through me, Michael assesses my numbers in his head. He was a Math and Religious Studies major at McMaster, incidentally, so he is keenly aware of the impact of my venial sins down to the sixteenth decimal point (and that's just by using an abacus...don't ask me how. Math to me is a form of voodoo).

  Michael gets up from his couch and walks over to the IKEA movie shelf where he keeps his Blu Rays and DVDs. 

   "Okay," he says, taking an audible breath.  "What's your minimum standard?"

    I look over.  "What?"

   "What's the minimum number a girl would have to rank on your scale in order for you to want to date her?"

   "Umm...." 

   I think about it. 

   Look at most couples today, long term or not, and you'll find that neither partner is really magazine cover material.  I mean, I consider myself decent looking, but I don't have the Clooney or Brad Pitt thing going.  Only something like 2% of the population has those looks.  Myself and the Big X, back in the day, were decent looking people, but I can't assess her objectively, having spent all that time with her, and ask if I would go out with her now.

   When there's chemistry present between two people, when there's true love, the looks become secondary to the feelings between them.  However, if you're at that initial stage of visual attraction - say, at the gym, a bar, or a bookstore - the scale applies because that's all you have to go on.  Given that my ex has been my only serious relationship to date, that means I can't use past experience as a measure.

   (Although she was a definite nine back in Grade Ten when I met her in Geography class. Definite nine)

   That also means that I can blurt out the first number on a scale of one to ten that comes to mind and just see where that goes.

   "Seven," I say to Mike.  "A girl would have to rate a seven on my scale for me to want to date her." 

   Mike nods, picks out a Blu Ray, checks the cast.

   "That girl from Avatar, Zoe Saldana," he says.  "Where do you rate her?"

   "Well, she's cute and all...just no sign of red hair or blue/green eyes...7."

   Michael puts away the movie, pulls out another one.

   "Cameron Diaz?"

   "Not really," I say, "only because I've seen that tabloid picture of her without any makeup, and I can't imagine myself waking up to that every day.  I rated her a 5."

   "Ellen Page?"

   "See? She's tricksy.  When I saw her in Juno, I didn't think of her that way, but since her appearance in Inception......I dunno, she also gives off a friend vibe.  I think I'd be friends with her...maybe a 7?"

    Michael shakes his head.  "Oh boy."

    Long story short, my ratings went like this:

   - Scarlet Johannsen: 7/10 (little on the skinny side)
   - Naomi Watts: 7.5/10 (ditto)
   - Jennifer Connolly: 7.75/10 (lack of red hair and little tall)
   - Erin Karpluk (from CBC's Being Erica): 9.95/10 (semi-red hair but otherwise a potential dream girl)
   - Jennifer Aniston: 6/10 (....meh)
   - Eva Mendes: (6.5/10)
   - Kate Winslet: (7.75/10)
   - Isabella Rossellini: (6.5/10)

   "YOU GAVE JENNIFER ANISTON A SIX?????" 

    Michael looks like he's about to throw me out of his house.  I shrug.

   "I mean, she's nice, but she doesn't really do much for me.  She's kinda plain."

    By this time, some of the other guys have shown up, and we run through a couple more before roping them into the conversation.

   - Angelina Jolie: 7.5/10 (getting up there. Adequate boobs. Used to wear a vial of Billy Bob Thorton's blood around her neck. Might cut me during sex, and Jody don't play dat)
   - Drew Barrymore: 7/10 (adorable, sexy, and yet....I dunno, 7). 
   - Elisha Cuthbert: 7.75/10 (blondes are aight)
   - Zooey Deschanel: 9/10 (Maxim Magazine called her "the thinking man's sex symbol".)
   - Jennifer Goodwin (from He's Not That Into You): 8/10
   - Shakira: 10/10 (under duress: Michael implied he would kill me on the spot if I rated her any lower. Strongly implied.  As in, he showed me the ice pick.)
     
  Pretty soon, the gathering is complete,  but before we start the meeting, Michael shares my assessments with the guys.  Here are the reactions:

   "Totally with you on Jennifer Aniston, Jody.  She's just....meh."  - Mr. B.

   "Yeah, Jennifer Aniston's okay." - "Raymond"

   "I don't follow celebrities, but I"m going to go with Jody on the Jennifer Aniston question. Total six. Maybe lower." - "Walter"

  (He didn't say it, but Michaels' reaction to the Aniston Question: "Seriously, eff you guys.")

  Yes, I'm aware I haven't noted the plethora of reactions to my rating system from the guys.  Suffice it to say it generated tons of laughter, incredulity, some sympathy, and a couple of dares to actually post this on Facebook, but only to all of the female friends who I currently rate a "7" and above.  I've run that simulation in my head movies several times now.  My conclusion? The only winning move is not to play..

  The Point

  I like morals to my seemingly pointless stories, so here it is.

  "This was just with celebrities, Jody," says Michael as we wrap the discussion and start talking actual business.  "What you've done is said that you would not date most of the top 2% of supposedly beautiful women out there.  Most of them rate 7 or less. How do you think real women are going to measure up?"

  Michael can be Yoda-like when he wants to be.  It's why he's Squadron Leader.

  This is one of the reasons why I made the recent decision to abandon actively seeking for a partner.  I'm off of dating sites, and though I'll maybe flirt and check out a girl that I run into in my daily routine, I've got too much else on the go to make this a priority. 

  In fact, that really is the best way to go.  Contrary to the cliché, you actually can't "expect the unexpected", otherwise it'll just become more of the "expected".  And contrary to what eHarmony would have you believe, most couples meet offline through pure serendipity, by doing things that they'd normally be doing, and finding someone who's also going their way.

  And when that happens, chemistry always takes precedence over appearance, if not right at the beginning, then over time.

   I may just abandon the rating system altogether.  It's obviously flawed; it places too much emphasis on superficiality and first impressions; and it sets up unrealistic expectations.  If the guys and I are just shooting the shit and talking, sure: it's fun to daydream.  But some people are serious about its usage in finding a mate, and that can't be terribly functional. I'll trust to time and chance that it'll work out for me.

  And hope that somehow my talent work will lead me to Erin Karpluk.  She's dreamy AND local....